


Pie and Punishment

by QueenUndertheBloodyMountain



Series: His Just Desserts [3]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bilbo Is Not Happy, Canon Divergence, F/M, Mild Language, Reader Insert, Thorin Stole Bilbo's Pie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-09-04
Packaged: 2018-02-16 02:18:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2252190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenUndertheBloodyMountain/pseuds/QueenUndertheBloodyMountain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin stole Bilbo's pie and he didn't even know it. Or where Thorin actually has dessert and it backfires majorly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pie and Punishment

**Author's Note:**

> I slipped... I think I've lost control of these stories (read: I swear I had no intention of continuing this series but a reader made me do it, kinda). No beta, I don't own any characters, etc.

"Thorin!" Dwalin shouted, bursting into the Kings chambers, panting and out of breath, "ye best hide yerself, there's a hobbit after yer head."

"What in the world for?" Thorin asked, not looking up from his papers.

"Sumthin bout ye eating his pie?"

Thorin eyes snapped up before glancing at the now empty plate sitting on his desk; damnit, he hadn't known it was Bilbo's pie! The halfling was going to skewer him!

"I didn't even know!"

"D'ya think he gives a rats arse? Run ya idiot! He's already told yer wife that he's comin' fer ya and ye KNOW how she adores his bloody pies!"

"Oakenshield!" Thorin heard Bilbo’s shout from down the hall, sending the royal into a panic.

"Shit, shit, shit," Thorin hissed, looking around frantically, trying to find a decent place to hide, and to no avail. The King had learned his lesson of hiding in wardrobes, too obvious, and there wasn't room enough to scurry under the bed—ashamed he even considered it, a King hiding under his bed like a dwarfling; so he did the best thing he could, he shoved the pie plate into a drawer and ran towards the balcony; he'd much rather scale the mountain than deal with a Hobbit on a war path for Thorin’s head at the approval of his wife and Queen.

He had just thrown the balcony doors open when his Queen entered the chambers.

"Stop right there Thorin Oakenshield, or I’ll banish you from our bed till your beard grows another foot!" You shouted, hands on your hips. You certainly weren't going to let your husband become a pancake just to avoid a tongue lashing over some pie, no matter how delicious the pastry might be.

Thorin's shoulders slumped and he backed away from the doors, admitting defeat.

"Dear lord, you're over two hundred years old Thorin, stop pouting," you smirked, going over towards your husband and kissing him chastely on the lips. You leant over and pulled the pie plate out of the desk drawer, knowing exactly where he had hidden it, much to his chagrin. "He's a hobbit not a warg love, just own up to your mistake and take it like a dwarrow."

"Thorin Oakenshield you better have a damn good excuse for eating that pie you pilfering cretin! I worked all day on that treat for your lovely wife and I to share, and I did not do so to turn my back for five seconds so you and your fat blundering fingers could nick it!" Bilbo shouted, around the corner. You kissed your husband’s cheek before stepping back, leaning back onto the wide oak and marble desk so as to observe the altercation, grabbing the back of Dwalin's tunic and preventing him from escaping.

" **There** you are! You best explain to me the reason you took my pie you giant oaf! That pie was _not_ for your royal gruffness to take for himself! And _you_ ," he growled, pointing at Dwalin who visibly flinched, "I know very well you tried to tip him off so he could escape! I _refuse_ to make either of you any desserts for the remainder of the season! No more apple pies, no more cupcakes, cookies, or scones! And no more of those precious honey cakes you both love so much!" Bilbo raved, poking Thorin hard in the chest and glaring daggers at Dwalin. The two warriors had the decency to look ashamed, mostly for having upset their friend so, but also for the loss of their sweets. "Curse you confounded dwarves!" Bilbo stomped off, or as much as he could with those quiet hobbit feet, and left the warriors and you standing in Thorin and your bedchambers.

"Well that certainly was exciting," you said, straightening up and smiling as you walked towards the door, "You boys had best behave unless you want to get into more trouble, and I'd suggest staying out of the kitchens for the next few days; we don't want him going on a killing spree with that letter opener of his, and Mahal help us if Fíli were to take the throne just yet.”

Thorin watched you leave and resumed his pouting, crossing his arms across his chest and grumbling about hobbits and pies, when he received a sharp smack to the back of his head.

"What the bloody hell was that?!" Thorin shouted at Dwalin, rubbing the spot his friend had hit.

"No ruddy honey cakes for the rest of the season, that's what! You got me into trouble with the damn hobbit!"

"Well I got the brunt of it too you know, neither of us are getting sweets so button up. S'not my damn fault I didn't know it was Bilbo's pie...bloody King and I can't even go to my own kitchens for a snack..." Thorin muttered, flopping back into his chair to finish his missives.

"Yer wife is right, you do pout like a bloody dwarfling," Dwalin chuckled, leaving his King to his work.

"Oh go suck a stone," Thorin snapped, sighing before dropping his head onto the table with a heavy thud. The next few months were going to be miserable...

**~FIN~**


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